


A Simple Chat About Recipes [ABANDONED]

by valda



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Asexual Character, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Language, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, chat log
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-03-22 19:21:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3740641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valda/pseuds/valda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Earl was dragged away by mute children, only to return and find his world completely changed. His one center of support, Cecil Palmer, now has someone else in his life--someone he seems to love in a way he has never loved Earl. A coincidental encounter in a Skype chat starts Earl down a dangerous path.</p><p>THIS FIC HAS BEEN ABANDONED AND WILL NOT BE COMPLETED.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Carlos Is Surprised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos is teaching himself how to cook, so he spends time online reading recipes and interacting on a food forum. Over time he's developed a friendship with one of the moderators...

**Just an Old Chef:** Hey, I have time to discuss that pork roast you were wanting to make now, if you still need help.

 **I'll be fine:** sorry, I left skype running by accident  
I'm not really in the mood to talk right now

 **Just an Old Chef:** Okay, no problem.

 **I'll be fine:** sorry

 **Just an Old Chef:** Really, it's no big deal! I'll be around if you need me.

 **I'll be fine:**...can I ask you something weird?

 **Just an Old Chef:** About food?

 **I'll be fine:** no  
sorry  
forget it

 **Just an Old Chef:** ::laughs:: I was kidding. Go ahead.

 **I'll be fine:** sigh

 **Just an Old Chef:** I mistrust your Skype name.

 **I'll be fine:** heh

 **Just an Old Chef:** Is whatever it is really that bad?

 **I'll be fine:** it's a relationship thing

 **Just an Old Chef:** Ah, I see. I don't know if I can be of any help, but I'm willing to listen.

 **I'll be fine:** it's just  
okay, I've been with my boyfriend for two years now.  
but we spent one of those years apart.  
and it is SO GOOD to be back together FINALLY.  
but part of me thinks maybe things were actually better when I was gone?

 **I'll be fine:** it's kind of complicated.  
I guess.  
well, not to us really?  
but then again

 **I'll be fine:** okay basically he's asexual and I'm not, so we don't have sex.  
and I am FINE with that. I am so happy to be with him.  
but I'm afraid he thinks I'm unhappy, even though I've told him a million times how happy I am

 **I'll be fine:** he tried to initiate sex with me and it was just awful, how his face looked  
I don't want to put him through that. I want him to be happy too.  
how can I prove to him that I'm happy?

 **I'll be fine:** when we were apart it was better because I just wasn't THERE to make him feel...guilty, or whatever.

 **I'll be fine:** but it wasn't REALLY better because he was so lonely

 **I'll be fine:** maybe it was just better for me  
and not even that.  
ugh. I don't know.  
I love being around him and he loves cuddling and even kissing  
and I love that too but I don't want him to feel like he has to do more than that just because I get a little too excited about it sometimes

 **I'll be fine:** are you still there?  
ugh, I shouldn't have asked  
I'm really sorry

 **Just an Old Chef:** No, no, I'm still here. You're fine. I'm thinking.

 **Just an Old Chef:** Your boyfriend. Does he enjoy any sexual things? Not with other people. But like, does he enjoy other people having sex?

 **I'll be fine:** um  
yeah **  
** but what made you think of that?

 **Just an Old Chef:** Someone I know is like that. He's the sweetest, most emotive guy. It's pretty much impossible not to love him. He was always really confused about how he didn't want to have sex, but still enjoyed thinking about or watching sex.

 **I'll be fine:** someone you know? not your boyfriend?

 **Just an Old Chef:** No. My best friend.

 **I'll be fine:** you must be pretty close to talk about that.  
of course I just told YOU about it so heh.

 **I'll be fine:** so is your friend with someone?

 **Just an Old Chef:** Yes.

 **I'll be fine:** do they  
um  
is his partner asexual too?

 **Just an Old Chef:** Okay, honestly, I have no idea. I still think of him as my best friend, but so much has changed between us. A lot of time has passed. We don't talk like we used to, at least not about things like that.

 **I'll be fine:** oh

 **Just an Old Chef:** Sorry, I guess that isn't helpful at all.

 **Just an Old Chef:** You've already told him how you feel. It's up to him to believe it. I guess really there isn't anything else you can do.

 **I'll be fine:** yeah

 **Just an Old Chef:** Unless you wanted to suggest polyamory.

 **I'll be fine:** what??

 **Just an Old Chef:** Well, you know. You could have sex with someone else. And he could watch. Nice for both of you, assuming you are both okay with it.

 **I'll be fine:** um  
wow  
okay  
I've never...hmm

 **I'll be fine:** I mean, I wouldn't want to just have sex with anybody.  
not that there's anything wrong with doing that  
it's just not my thing.  
I don't know what ceec would think.  
would he even be okay with me doing something like that?? with someone else?? in front of him???

 **Just an Old Chef:** Wait. Am I talking to Carlos the scientist?

 **I'll be fine:** how??  
OMFG IS THIS EARL HARLAN

 **Just an Old Chef:** Yes.

 **I'll be fine:** OMFG  
all this time chatting about recipes and I didn't even

 **I'll be fine:** what is even with your skype name, you're not old

 **Just an Old Chef:** Heh.

 **I'll be fine:** ugh, this is so  
I don't even know

 **Just an Old Chef:** Kind of awkward I guess?

 **I'll be fine:** DDDD:

 **Just an Old Chef:** Sorry. But it is pretty impossible not to love him.

 **I'll be fine:** omg what are you even saying to me right now

 **Just an Old Chef:** Well, look, I enjoy having sex, but I don't really care about it. If Cecil and I had ever gotten together, I would have been fine. But Cecil wants to be with you. And you're fine too, right? So everything's fine.

 **I'll be fine:**...

 **Just an Old Chef:** Do you want me to talk to him for you?

 **I'll be fine:** r u kidding me right now

 **Just an Old Chef:** Heh. Yes. I was kidding.

 **I'll be fine:** ur an ass.

 **Just an Old Chef:** I've been called worse.

 **I'll be fine:** I can't even believe we just had this conversation

 **Just an Old Chef:** It was rather strange. But illuminating. ;)

 **I'll be fine:** augh

 **Just an Old Chef:** You know, Cecil's right about your hair, and your jaw, and such.

 **I'll be fine:**????

 **Just an Old Chef:** Just saying.

 **I'll be fine:** Earl, that is not funny at all  
I'm going to bed :P

 **Just an Old Chef:** Night, horndog.

 **I'll be fine:** UGH

**_I'll be fine is offline._ **


	2. One Apology Leads to Another

**I'll be fine:** hey  
so  
I appreciate that you came by the lab today.

 **Just an Old Chef:** Yeah. Sorry. I say things online that I probably would never say IRL.  
Sometimes it doesn't feel real.

 **I'll be fine:** well  
anyway  
thanks.

 **I'll be fine:** so  
if you say things online that you wouldn't say in person  
does that mean I can ask you stuff and you'll answer honestly?

 **Just an Old Chef:** Heh. Maybe.

 **I'll be fine:** have you ever had a boyfriend?

 **I'll be fine:** sorry  
you don't have to answer

 **Just an Old Chef:** No, Carlos. I've never had a boyfriend. I'm sure you can imagine why.

 **I'll be fine:**...oh

 **I'll be fine:** but you've  
you've had sex.

 **Just an Old Chef:** Sure.

 **Just an Old Chef:** It's not like that would have ever been something shared with Cecil. Unless he wanted to watch. But I never got up the nerve to ask him.

 **I'll be fine:** again with the polyamory

 **Just an Old Chef:** Is it really so strange an idea? Honestly, it seems less logical to expect one single person to fulfill all of your needs.

 **I'll be fine:** huh  
well  
we don't expect that  
nobody could do that.

 **Just an Old Chef:** Fair enough. I'm just saying, with more than one person, you can have MORE needs met.

 **I'll be fine:** so like  
before  
that stuff you said  
were you propositioning me??

 **Just an Old Chef:** Maybe. ;)

 **I'll be fine:**???  
I don't get that  
it's not like you're attracted to me  
that seems like way too far to go just to get close to ceec

 **Just an Old Chef:** Who said I wasn't attracted to you?

 **I'll be fine:** um

 **Just an Old Chef:** I'll admit, my fantasies have run something along the lines of a hate-fuck. Forcing you down. Taking you hard. Punishing you for stealing my Cecil.

 **I'll be fine:** wtf

**_I'll be fine is offline._ **

**_I'll be fine is online._ **

**Just an Old Chef:** Welcome back.

 **I'll be fine:** fuck I can't believe you said that.

 **Just an Old Chef:** I guess my inhibitions are once again lowered. Shall I come by the lab tomorrow and apologize again? Or will your team start to get ideas about us?

 **I'll be fine:** Earl what in the actual FUCK

 **Just an Old Chef:** To be fair, you're the one who wanted to ask questions.

 **I'll be fine:** so basically u want to rape me

 **Just an Old Chef:** Gods, Carlos! No!

 **Just an Old Chef:** Ugh, I apologize. I thought you might be into that. Being dominated a little. I would never do anything to you without your permission.

 **Just an Old Chef:** Are you still there?

 **I'll be fine:** hiiii, early! (✿◠‿◠)

 **Just an Old Chef:** ...Cecil?

 **I'll be fine:** what have u been saying to my bf, hmmmmm? (◕‿◕✿)  
scrolling up! ( ಠ◡ಠ )

**_I'll be fine is offline._ **

**_I'll be fine is online._ **

**I'll be fine:** ceec read the chat and now he's locked himself in the bedroom  
he read everything, even the stuff from before  
but he still doesn't believe me. he doesn't believe I'm happy  
this is your fault  
you made him think I want sex from him  
like I can't be happy without sex

 **Just an Old Chef:** Can you?

 **I'll be fine:** WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU  
SEX IS GREAT BUT I WANT TO BE WITH CECIL MORE THAN I EVER WANT TO HAVE SEX

 **Just an Old Chef:** Go tell HIM that.

**_I'll be fine is offline._ **


	3. A Calmer Carlos

**I'll be fine:** I don't know if you're fucking with us or what  
I'm only even talking to you now because you're ceec's friend and  
I don't know  
you helped him get his mind off things while I was gone?  
except you kept asking him about stuff he didn't want to talk about so  
I don't know  
what is your problem

**I'll be fine:** I just want to know what the fuck your deal is

**Just an Old Chef:** Sorry, Carlos. I was AFK.

**Just an Old Chef:** My "deal," as it were, is pretty simple. I guess it wasn't as obvious to you as it is to me, though.  
I'm in love with your boyfriend. Have been since we were kids.  
I respect his decision to be with you.  
I understand it, too, because you are very attractive.  
And based on our chats the past couple days, you are obviously very caring and reliable, just like he says.

**Just an Old Chef:** I wasn't really trying to mess with you. At least, not consciously.  
I mean, I was teasing you some. But I didn't mean to hurt you, or your relationship.

**Just an Old Chef:** I guess I was having some fun at your expense, because I do envy what you have with Cecil.

**Just an Old Chef:** I'm sorry, Carlos.

**I'll be fine:** sigh

**I'll be fine:** ceec has been really quiet since last night  
I don't think he wants things to change  
I think he still wants you to be his friend.  
can you do that and not  
like  
DO stuff?

**Just an Old Chef:** It's hard to be his friend. At all. He is so...Cecil. I have to guard myself. It's why we lost contact after high school. I just...it was too hard, knowing he didn't feel the same way.  
Well, he also kept aging, and I didn't.

**Just an Old Chef:** I did my best to be supportive when we got back in touch. I mean, after I realized he still wasn't interested.  
He's the one who called me, so, you know, at first I thought...  
Well, I was wrong, in any case.  
If you're asking me if I'm ready to commit to doing that for the rest of my life, to being the third wheel, to sitting in the corner while you two hold hands...  
I just don't know.  
I've just been taking it a day at a time.  
I haven't been thinking about long-term plans.

**I'll be fine:** well, that's not fair to me or to ceec, because we ARE thinking about long-term plans.

**Just an Old Chef:** ...you are?

**I'll be fine:** Earl, we live together, what do you think?  
look you obviously have a lot of unresolved stuff going on and I don't want to pressure you into being friends with ceec if it will hurt you.  
just...figure it out, okay?

**Just an Old Chef:** I understand. Would you think about something for me, though?

**I'll be fine:** what?

**Just an Old Chef:** That stuff I said when I was joking. I wasn't totally joking. I would be willing to be in a polyamorous relationship.  
More than willing. I would really like it.  
I love Cecil. I like you, whether you believe it or not.  
We could give Cecil something special. We could be something special for each other, even.

**I'll be fine:** Earl, we barely know each other. you sound really desperate

**Just an Old Chef:** Heh. Maybe I am.

**I'll be fine:** I gotta go. taking ceec to brunch

**Just an Old Chef:** Just think about it.

**_I'll be fine is offline._ **


	4. Not Quite What He Was Expecting (Or Was It?)

**I'll be fine:** hey, Earl

 **Just an Old Chef:** Well, hi there. Long time no see.

 **I'll be fine:** yeah, been busy.  
and thinking about stuff.

 **Just an Old Chef:** Oh? Come to any conclusions?

 **I'll be fine:** ceec wants to join the chat  
hold on let me add him

 **Just an Old Chef:** Oh. Okay.

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** hiiiii!!!!1

 **Just an Old Chef:** Um. Wow.

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** i know, right? i wanted my first-ever skype name to be SUPER COOL. i tried to do a monogram but i couldn't find a way to make the p bigger than the rest of the letters.

 **I'll be fine:** it is REALLY cute, ceec :3

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** thx carlos!!!! (≧ω≦)

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** do you like it, early? (｡◕‿◕｡)

 **Just an Old Chef:** It's very you, Cecil.

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** (─‿‿─)

 **I'll be fine:** so Earl, we wanted to talk with you about what you said  
the polyamory thing  
um  
I think ceec had something to say first?

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** well, this is TOTALLY EMBARRASSING. but early, i never thought about you like that before. like a boyfriend.

 **Just an Old Chef:** ...I know, Cecil.

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** so i mean, i don't really know what to DO. i mean, you're EARL. and its weird.

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** r u still there?

 **Just an Old Chef:** Yeah. Sorry.

 **I'll be fine:** you're being really quiet  
you weren't like this before

 **Just an Old Chef:** Heh.

 **I'll be fine:** you came on really strong.

 **Just an Old Chef:** Well, you responded to someone coming on strong before, didn't you?

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** oh early, carlos is shy! it took him a YEAR! (⊙_◎)

 **I'll be fine:** err  
come on, ceec

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** (¬‿¬)

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** earl, were you really trying to seduce my carlos?

 **Just an Old Chef:** Um. Yeah.

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** u know i dont like sharing! ( ಠ◡ಠ )

 **Just an Old Chef:** Cecil. Please.

 **I'll be fine:** heh  
this is basically what you were doing to me, you know  
but ceec, maybe lay off a little?

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** oh FINE (￣□￣)  
i am just really embarrassed. i don't know what to say.

 **Just an Old Chef:** So was this what you both wanted to get across to me?  
I should probably go, I have a meeting with Roger's teacher before work tomorrow.

 **☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** um...I guess?

 **Just an Old Chef:** Good night, Cecil.

~

 **I'll be fine:** hey wait hold up

 **Just an Old Chef:** ...Yes?

 **I'll be fine:** sorry  
that was really awkward  
ceec said he wanted to talk to you but I didn't know what he was gonna say

 **Just an Old Chef:** Look, it's fine. I'm used to it.

 **I'll be fine:** is that how it's always been for you?

 **Just an Old Chef:** I don't feel like talking about this, Carlos.

 **I'll be fine:** well  
okay  
just  
what I was gonna say, when ceec was done, was that I am like  
really flattered?  
I mean I know you only ever looked at me because I'm with Cecil but

 **Just an Old Chef:** I'm sure I would have noticed you regardless of Cecil.

 **I'll be fine:** heh ****  
well  
anyway  
this is new for me. I've never  
I dunno  
well ceec was overwhelming, no one has ever wanted me like that  
and then you were kind of overwhelming too

 **Just an Old Chef:** Have you ever had a boyfriend before, Carlos?

 **I'll be fine:** um  
not really?  
there have been guys I liked  
but nothing ever happened

 **Just an Old Chef:** ...Have you ever had sex?

 **I'll be fine:** er  
no

 **Just an Old Chef:** Do you want to?

 **I'll be fine:** kind of a moot point?  
I guess it would be nice  
but I don't feel like I NEED it  
sometimes I get really excited when I'm with ceec, but I just go in the bathroom and take care of it  
WHY DO I KEEP TELLING YOU THIS STUFF

 **Just an Old Chef:** So you've chosen to be with Cecil. Long term. Maybe forever. And you've never had sex.

 **I'll be fine:** yeah?

 **Just an Old Chef:** I'm just...surprised.

 **I'll be fine:** why? I love him.

 **Just an Old Chef:** It doesn't seem very scientific to come to a conclusion without evaluating all possible evidence.

 **I'll be fine:** I will be the judge of what is and is not scientific THANK YOU.  
ceec is the best thing that has ever happened to me  
I am HAPPY  
there is nothing more scientific than that.

 **I'll be fine:** Earl?

 **Just an Old Chef:** I'm going to bed, Carlos. Thanks for the chat.

 **I'll be fine:** look  
I'm sorry but

**_Just an Old Chef is offline._ **


	5. An Added Wrinkle

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Hey there! This is Delicious Wheat from the EveryGoshDarnRecipe forum. Mind adding me?

**Just an Old Chef:** Oh, hi. Sure. Did you need more advice on the baked goods you were planning to make for your friends?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Gosh, no! You were very helpful. I have everything I need to make our party just SUPER fun! But I WAS wondering if I could ask you about something else.

**Just an Old Chef:** Fire away. I'm happy to help.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** The thing is, I think you and I have a mutual acquaintance! Do you know Cecil Palmer?

**Just an Old Chef:** Um. Who is this?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** My name's Kevin! （≼⓪≽◟⋌⋚⋛⋋◞≼⓪≽）

**Just an Old Chef:** asd;fas;dlkjas

**_Just an Old Chef is offline._ **

**_Just an Old Chef is online._ **

**Just an Old Chef:** Er. Sorry. That smiley...surprised me, I guess.  
Do I know you from somewhere, Kevin? The name's not familiar.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, no, we've never met, Earl.

**Just an Old Chef:** ...My name isn't on my EveryGoshDarnRecipe profile.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Of course it isn't! I'll be honest, I learned about you from Cecil's show, then looked you up online. After hearing how close you two were, I just HAD to talk to you!

**Just an Old Chef:** ...  
What's your relationship with Cecil?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, we're former--and I hope future!--colleagues.

**Just an Old Chef:** Hmm.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Anyway, it's just a SHAME about that ugly scientist, isn't it? You get back to town, FINALLY, and Cecil's got a boyfriend!  
And he's TOTALLY wrong for him, right?  
Not like YOU. I mean, you two have a history!

**Just an Old Chef:** I fail to see how this is any of your business, Kevin.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, gosh, Earl, I'm just worried about you! Your story is so sad! If you wanted me to, I could make you feel better. ლ(◉◞౪◟◉ )ლ

**Just an Old Chef:** ...What?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Hehehehe, I think we should meet in person. You'll see what I mean. ( ఠൠఠ )

**Just an Old Chef:** Um. No thanks.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh come now. Surely you're not afraid to meet me? You lead a troop of Night Vale Boy Scouts! I'm sure you can...handle yourself. (ી(΄◞ิ౪◟ิ‵)ʃ)

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Besides, I'm sure you'll want to be able to recognize me, in case you happen to run across me sometime. I might be anywhere, you know.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarl? (｡☉౪ ⊙｡)

**Just an Old Chef:** Fine.  
I'll meet you.  
Tonight, after my shift at Tourniquet.  
Big Rico's Pizza.  
Come alone.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** See you then!!! (◞≼۩۞۩≽◟◞౪◟◞≼۩۞۩≽◟)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...this was not what I thought the next chapter would be _at all_.


	6. The Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story started out cute and funny, but it gets disturbing in this chapter. Please be careful. There is emotional abuse of a sexual nature.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Heeeeeyyyyyy, Earl! (((○UωU)ﾉ”♪

**Just an Old Chef:** How are you talking to me? I thought I blocked you.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh come now, why would you want to do something like that? After the FANTASTIC time we had?  
You were so FORCEFUL. (´◉◞౪◟◉) You really showed me how you feel about Cecil!

**Just an Old Chef:** Leave me alone.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** You want to do that to Cecil, don't you?

**Just an Old Chef:** I told you to leave me alone.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Unless something really big changes, I'm the closest you're going to get, Earl. Remember that.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Ta-ta for now! （ ´థ౪థ）

~

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Hiiiiii, Earl. (´◑ω◐`)

~

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** I miss you, Earl! (´⊙◞⊱◟⊙｀)

~

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** I want to see you again, Earl. Don't you want to see me? （。☣ฺ⋌⋚⋛⋋☣ฺ。）

~

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** All I can think about is you fucking me, Earl. I bet it's all you can think about too.

~

**Just an Old Chef:** Kevin.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Hey there, lover.

**Just an Old Chef:** Fuck you.   
Meet me out back of the Ralph's. Don't talk to me. I don't want to hear your voice.

**Just an Old Chef:** Wear a purple tie.  
And sunglasses.  
And for fuck's sake do something about all that blood.

~

**I'll be fine:** hey, Earl?

**Just an Old Chef:** Sorry, Carlos, I'm on my way out.

**I'll be fine:** just real quick  
I saw you in the parking lot when I picked ceec up from the pta meeting last night  
um, are you eating okay?  
getting enough sleep?

**Just an Old Chef:** Why?

**I'll be fine:** I dunno, you looked really tired? and kind of pale

**Just an Old Chef:** Trick of the light, I'm sure. I'm fine.

**I'll be fine:** okay I just wanted to check  
we haven't talked in awhile

**Just an Old Chef:** I appreciate your concern. I have to go now.

**I'll be fine:** okay  
bye

~

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** early!!!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

**Just an Old Chef:** Hello, Cecil.

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** its been a reaaaaallllly long time since we did cooking stuff with earl harlan! wanna come on the show this week?  
ive been trying to call you but you wont answer your phone!

**Just an Old Chef:** Yeah.

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** so will you come do the show?

**Just an Old Chef:** I don't know, Cecil.

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** its every1's fav segment!!!

**Just an Old Chef:** I highly doubt that.

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** well its MY fav  
you have fun right?

**Just an Old Chef:** Yeah. Sure.

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** then theres no problem! how about weds?

**Just an Old Chef:** Okay. Okay, Cecil. Wednesday is fine.

~

**Just an Old Chef:** Wednesday night. Haunted baseball diamond. Don't talk to me. Don't kiss me. Don't look at me. Those are the rules.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Whatever you say, Earl. ʅ（‾◡◝）ʃ


	7. A Warning That Came Too Late

**I'll be fine:** Earl did you block ceec????

**I'll be fine:** Earl?????????

**Just an Old Chef:** ::sigh:: Yes, I blocked him. I thought I blocked you, too.

**I'll be fine:** huh  
well  
whatever  
this is important, we've been trying to call you  
please listen?

**Just an Old Chef:** Fine.

**I'll be fine:** while you were gone something happened in Night Vale  
something bad  
I got stuck in the other world trying to stop it

**Just an Old Chef:** Yes. You're a hero.

**I'll be fine:** I'm a SCIENTIST  
but anyway  
there was this guy involved  
he's from Desert Bluffs and he looks just like ceec  
his name's Kevin  
he was actually stuck in the otherworld with me but I didn't know  
and we thought he was still there  
but ceec saw him today at the station

**Just an Old Chef:** What?

**I'll be fine:** yeah he just kind of showed up  
don't know how he got back here!  
but he is REALLY dangerous  
he said some stuff to ceec, some threatening stuff  
he might go after people ceec cares about  
so just be careful?  
he looks like ceec but you can tell it's not him because his eyes are  
well  
not sure how to explain  
but you'll understand when you see him  
he also smiles really weird, not the way ceec smiles

**I'll be fine:** are you there?

**Just an Old Chef:** Yeah.

**I'll be fine:** Kevin kills people, he murdered some guys ceec used to work with  
we don't want anything to happen to you okay?

**Just an Old Chef:** Sure.

**I'll be fine:** I mean it Earl, things got weird but neither of us hates you  
ceec cares about you a lot

**Just an Old Chef:** Right.

**I'll be fine:** EARL THIS IS SERIOUS

**Just an Old Chef:** Look, Carlos, I don't know how much you know about me, but I'm not stupid, and I'm certainly capable of taking care of myself. I don't imagine you were ever a Boy Scout, but maybe Cecil can fill you in.

**I'll be fine:** you just  
I dunno  
don't seem to be taking it seriously?

**Just an Old Chef:** Oh, I'm very serious.

**I'll be fine:** well okay  
hard to tell on chat I guess  
stay safe! ttyl

~

**Just an Old Chef:** What in Spire's name were you doing at the radio station?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, you heard about that? ლ（இ e இ｀。ლ） I just missed my former workplace SO MUCH! And all my old, dear friends.

**Just an Old Chef:** Don't ever go there again.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Really now, Earl, you think you can tell me what to do? I don't belong to you any more than Cecil does...though I'm happy to play the part every now and then.

**_Happy Happy Joy Joy is sending a file._ **

**Just an Old Chef:** What the fuck.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Just a little something I borrowed from your Sheriff's Secret Police. Their surveillance is so convenient! Though not as efficient as a private corporation's would be.

**Just an Old Chef:** Delete this.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** There's more where that came from. So much more! And video! ʅ(◔౪◔ ) ʃ  
I wanted to copy the collection to Cecil's computer while I was at the station, but unfortunately I had to leave before I had the chance.  
I bet he'd like watching us. ༼ꉺɷꉺ༽

**Just an Old Chef:** Do NOT show this shit to Cecil.  
I want everything deleted.  
I want you to take me to where you have it saved so I can watch you delete it.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** You'd deprive me of my prized collection? 癶(癶;:゜;益;゜;)癶  
Sorry, Earl, I'm afraid I can't part with it. It's too special to me.  
I CAN promise not to share it with anyone, though, if that would make you feel better!

**Just an Old Chef:** Fucking shit. Fine. Keep it. Just keep it to yourself.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Happy to do you that favor, Earl. I'm sure you won't mind doing me a favor or two in return, every now and again? (◞≼థ≽◟◞౪◟◞≼థ≽◟)  
What say we meet up and celebrate our new...relationship? I know JUST the place.

**Just an Old Chef:** No. This is over.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** It's so cute that you think you can say no to me. But it'll only be cute, say, two more times, and then I'll start to be ANNOYED. You wouldn't want that, would you? Annoyance is SO unproductive!  
Just keep that in mind, OK, Earl? （◞≼⓪≽◟⋌⋚⋛⋋◞≼⓪≽）


	8. Pain

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** earl i saw u at the ralphs  
what in the name of the glow cloud ALL HAIL is going on??

**Just an Old Chef:** Cecil?  
I don't want to talk right now.  
Nothing's going on.

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** it was NOT that dangerous today  
i checked  
and u didnt have a scout thing  
i checked that too

**Just an Old Chef:** Shit happens. It's fine.

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** early i have NEVER seen u liek that  
i mean  
we went thru all the normal things in grade school and scouts  
but that wasnt normal?

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** is it a new recipe or smth?

**Just an Old Chef:** Right, it's a new recipe. They can be tricky. But I have it under control.

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** i can help if u need me  
thanks to cooking stuff i am learning to be a chef too! （　´∀｀）☆

**Just an Old Chef:** Sorry, Cecil, it's something I have to do alone.

**☆** **彡*:** **・** **★~** **Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~** **★** **・: *** **ミ** **☆** **:** well...ok

**Just an Old Chef:** I need to go.

**_☆_ ** **_彡*:_ ** **_・_ ** **_★~_ ** **_Cecil Gershwin Palmer ~_ ** **_★_ ** **_・: *_ ** **_ミ_ ** **_☆_ ** **_added to block list._ **

~

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Hiiiiiiiii, darling.  
Boy, this morning was fun, wasn't it? (´⊙◞⊱◟⊙｀)

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Aw, don't feel like talking?  
Don't worry! I know you need time to recover before our next...session.  
I just wanted to remind you that you need to stop trying to block your friends on here.  
You should talk to your friends! It makes everything SO much more pleasant.

**Just an Old Chef:** What the fuck do you want from me?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh my, Earl, you're so eager to please! ( ≖ิൠ≖ิ )  
I want more of this morning. (´＾ิ┏益┓＾ิ｀) And I want you to be GOOD FRIENDS with Cecil and Carlos.  
You can handle that, right?

**Just an Old Chef:** Please, Kevin. Please leave Cecil alone.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** I do love hearing you beg.

**Just an Old Chef:** You can do whatever you want to me. It's fine. Just don't hurt Cecil.  
I'll do whatever you want.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, happy day! I'm so glad you've decided to be reasonable, Earl! Things go SO much more smoothly when everyone COOPERATES. (◞≼۩۞۩≽◟◞౪◟◞≼۩۞۩≽◟)

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** So! First assignment! Since you don't want me going to the radio station anymore, and I can TOTALLY respect that, I'd like you to run an errand there for me.  
No big rush, you can do it the next time you're there for a cooking segment.

**Just an Old Chef:** I'm not going to do anything to Cecil.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Of course you're not! Perish the thought! Actually, this will HELP Cecil. And all you have to do is just flip one little switch on the sound board. So easy!

**_Happy Happy Joy Joy is sending a file._ **

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, whoops! That's from this morning. Here's the picture of the switch.

**_Happy Happy Joy Joy is sending a file._ **

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** See? It's simple! And it won't hurt Cecil at all.  
Just flip it next time you're there, and I'll let you fuck me again as a reward.

**Just an Old Chef:** No thanks.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Aww, you're so giving, Earl. So selfless. It's a shame Cecil doesn't appreciate you.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Looks like you've gone shy again. Ah, well. Talk soon, lover. ( ◉◞౪◟◉)  
Don't forget about that switch!


	9. Help

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, Earl. I am SO disappointed in you.  
There's no reason you shouldn't have been able to do your cooking segment as planned today. I wasn't THAT affectionate last night.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** I see you're so ashamed you can't even bring yourself to talk. Good. You should be.  
I gave you VERY simple instructions.  
Just flip a switch.  
It won't hurt you. It won't hurt your precious Cecil. It won't even hurt the ugly scientist.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** I should just go ahead and send those photos. To everyone in town.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Or maybe the photos aren't enough incentive anymore?  
I was going to keep my promise and leave Cecil alone, but since you're not keeping YOUR promises, perhaps I should reconsider.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Maybe he'd like a few new special markings, like the ones I gave you! That would be fun! Perhaps this one?

**_Happy Happy Joy Joy is sending a file._ **

**Just an Old Chef:** what does the switch do?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** It doesn't MATTER what it DOES, Earl. It MATTERS that you did not FLIP IT.

**Just an Old Chef:** I don't believe you that it won't hurt Cecil  
tell me what it does

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** You have a son, too, don't you, Earl?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** He looks almost just like you, doesn't he?  
We could make him look even MORE like you.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Are you ready to keep your promise now?

**Just an Old Chef:** yes

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Good.

~

**I'll be fine:** Earl I fucked up  
when you didn't show up for Cooking Stuff ceec got worried so I started checking around  
and I found out you'd been to the hospital but you refused to stay  
so  
I came to your house  
Roger let me in  
you were  
I found you on the floor  
so  
I was worried, I tried to take care of you  
you were really messed up, I'm not a doctor or a nurse but I tried to make sure your bandages were okay, and I put you in your bed  
but while I was in your room I saw your computer was on and I looked at the screen

**I'll be fine:** Earl I wish you had told us what was going on  
I was really  
like  
I didn't know what to do  
but I thought the switch thing sounded bad so I tried to get him to tell me what it was  
but I only made things worse

**I'll be fine:** I got really scared  
I'm sorry  
I brought Roger home with me, he's here right now, you can come over too, please come, please stay with us  
we can figure this out

**Just an Old Chef:** I think he hacked my computer. He made it so I couldn't block you or Cecil. He is probably seeing this chat right now.  
Please keep Roger with you. I'll be fine.

**I'll be fine:** Earl you're not a scientist, you're a chef  
nowhere does it say a chef is always fine

**Just an Old Chef:** I am also a scoutmaster.

**I'll be fine** : you chose a really dangerous life, Earl  
seriously, it is okay to ask for help sometimes

**Just an Old Chef:** I can handle it.

**I'll be fine** : EARL YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.  
HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU.  
don't you understand that???

**Just an Old Chef:** Better me than anyone else.

**I'll be fine:** Earl listen to yourself. you think doing what he wants is going to help anybody?  
it won't keep anyone safe

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** So, Carlos the scientist. It was YOU I was speaking to earlier.  
(◞≼۩۞۩≽◟◞౪◟◞≼۩۞۩≽◟)

**I'll be fine** : fuck

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** I did notice the distinct lack of beautiful begging. But I assumed poor Earl was just too overwhelmed to remember his manners.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Well, Earl, now that you've found a nice foster home for Roger, there's no need for us to be apart. Meet me in half an hour, at the spot where this lovely relationship began. The cat's out of the bag, so I suppose Plan A is a bust, but I'm sure I can find other uses for you.

**I'll be fine** : Earl no  
come to our place

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** How IRRITATING.

**_I'll be fine is offline._ **

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Now, where were we?

**Just an Old Chef:** Big Rico's, right? Half an hour?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Very good.


	10. Rescue

Ceec he's stopped answering and it looks like he's offline?  
Did you make it to his house?

Just got here! His car's still here

Kevin was telling him to meet in half an hour

Not happening  
I'll get him

~

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, Earl. I don't know what you could possibly be thinking. （ ´థ౪థ）

**Just an Old Chef:** Earl won't be talking with you anymore

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Is this the scientist again?

**Just an Old Chef:** yes

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** We used to get along, you and I.

**Just an Old Chef:** yeah well brainwashing will do that to you.  
leave us alone, Kevin  
you can't have any of us.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, how sweet. Have you opened your hearts to poor Earl at last? Does he finally have the relationship he's always wanted with Cecil? (´⊙◞⊱◟⊙｀)

**Just an Old Chef:** shut up

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** I was just giving him what he wanted, you know. He would have given anything to be used by Cecil the way I used him. And Cecil and I are almost just alike.

**Just an Old Chef:** you are NOTHING like ceec

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Did Earl tell you what I did for him? How he treated me, in the beginning, when I told him he could pretend I was Cecil?  
There's video.

**_Happy Happy Joy Joy is sending a file._ **

**Just an Old Chef:** whatever, I'm not watching that

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** I'm sure he wouldn't want you to. This is the reason he became mine. So I wouldn't show anyone. (◞≼థ≽◟◞౪◟◞≼థ≽◟)  
But you should know what kind of person you're letting into your home!

**Just an Old Chef:** a sad person. a desperate person. but a good person

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** You've always been so open. So trusting. It's one of your best characteristics, really. ლ(◉◞౪◟◉ )ლ　

**Just an Old Chef:** Kevin you need to stop this  
what you're doing isn't right  
you're hurting people.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** So much pain! But there doesn't have to be. Things are wonderful with the Smiling God. You saw it, for a while. ( ≖ิ‿≖ิ )

**Just an Old Chef:** it was like the condo. everything was perfect  
but that's not life  
I want to choose my life.  
and I choose being with ceec and taking care of people who need me  
I would help you too if you would let me

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Silly, silly scientist. You're the one who needs help!  
It's dangerous for you now. My deal with Earl is off.  
Cecil is fair game. Earl's fair game. You're fair game.  
It all could have been so much more pleasant than this! ( :; ´^;ิ益;^ิ;.) 　

**Just an Old Chef:** no, Kevin. it's over  
we're safe, Earl's safe, you can't do anything

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, I can do plenty. You'll see ( ´ิ(ꈊ) ´ิ)


	11. Checking In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smile! It's time for a status report!

**lmallard@strexcorp.com:** good afternoon, kevin

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Lauren! How delightful to hear from you!

**lmallard@strexcorp.com:** lovely to talk with you as always  
so how is it going?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, everything is simply WONDERFUL! Going smoothly, just as planned.

**lmallard@strexcorp.com:** its just I would have expected some results by now?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** This sort of thing takes time, as I'm sure you're aware!

**lmallard@strexcorp.com:** true, desert bluffs was a time-consuming project as well. still I hope our trust in you is not misplaced!

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** There's no one more committed to serving the Smiling God than I am, Lauren!

**lmallard@strexcorp.com:** oh, I don't think thats the sort of thing to say to a fellow devoted StrexCorp® employee! we are ALL in this TOGETHER and everyone is working very productively for the Smiling God!

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Oh, certainly! I didn't mean to be rude. Or to imply ANYTHING about your devotion.

**lmallard@strexcorp.com:** well good.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** I was wondering, since this IS going to take a while longer, if I could go back to Desert Bluffs? Just for a day or two.  
Vanessa doesn't know what to do with herself without a control booth!

**lmallard@strexcorp.com:** now kev, you know rewards dont come before results.

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** of course.

**lmallard@strexcorp.com:** once youre done the whole area, bluffs AND valley, will be desert bluffs  
and you can broadcast as much as you want.  
a little incentive is a nice thing to have, isnt it? doesnt it make you want to smile?

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** I'm smiling right now.

**lmallard@strexcorp.com:** of course you are :)  
talk soon kev

**Happy Happy Joy Joy:** Have a FANTASTIC day, Lauren.


End file.
